The sound and the smell of the ocean, mere metres away, blow over me as I lie under the thatched roof. My tears run down. It’s Carson’s birthday, the second since he’s been gone. He would have been 29. The Balinese woman massaging me says nothing. Perhaps it’s professional discretion, perhaps it’s because she has … Continue reading Moving on from Grieving
I spent six weeks in Europe this last summer, but you wouldn’t know it from my blog posts. I have drafts and ideas: getting around England, hiking in Cornwall, travel on the Eurostar, amazing Copenhagen, taking Scott to Finland for the first time. When I go to write it seems— empty. It was hard to … Continue reading No More answered texts
“How long has it been?” It was intermission at the outdoor performance of “A Comedy of Errors.” I spotted Christine by the horse paddock when I was at the concession, and it was time for us to catch up. It had been at least 6 years, since I’d left the Valley. Maybe more, as the … Continue reading How Long has it Been?
It was a lovely graduation— not the official university event, but the student organized party where they received their silver forestry rings. It was a beautiful group of young people. (My son, at 27, had been considered a mature student.) They shone with the enthusiasm of having accomplished this, knowing they were moving on to … Continue reading Graduation and Moving On
It seems so innocuous, the chapstick sitting on my nightstand, between the water glass and the book I’m reading. It’s not. I found it in the pocket of his work pants, when I was laundering the clothes that someone had shoved into his suitcase, cleaning out his room after he died. Every day, when I … Continue reading Living with the Memories
“Are those real Gucci sandals?” I was looking down at my son’s feet. We were in Hawaii, because the first Christmas not in our family home was too hard for my children. “Who’d be crazy enough to spend that kind of money on a pair of slides?” Carson replied. It was only years later, sorting … Continue reading If I Die Young
“Happy holidays!” My chiropractor says, and then catches herself. “I mean, well, ah…” She trails off. I’ve known her for 20 years, and she knows me, and my family. I’m falling apart. I don’t mean emotionally, although that is true, and understandable considering circumstances. Yesterday I decorated the tree. I had cried for two days … Continue reading Merry Christmas— maybe
Lately, a song will take up residence in my head. I’m not talking an ear-worm that lasts a few hours, but ones that stay days, even weeks, always playing in the background. They aren’t happy songs. Currently it’s Hurt, not the Nine Inch Nails original but the cover of it that Johnny Cash did in … Continue reading Songs in My Head- Part 1
I didn’t cry this week. Oh sure, I got misty at memories, and wept a bit, especially when people offered condolences or talked about my son. But I didn’t cry. None of the sobbing, gasping, choking, can’t speak, can barely breathe, crying. None of the uncontrollable waves that would send me back to bed for … Continue reading Riding the Waves of Grief
I glance in the mirror, and I look old. And haggard. My last birthday, friends were still joking that I was doing a Benjamin Button, getting younger every year. 2024 has not been easy. My ruptured appendix in January, compounded by a melanoma, put paid to my surfing season and led to cancelling of travel … Continue reading Sorrow
Brave Travels 