The sound and the smell of the ocean, mere metres away, blow over me as I lie under the thatched roof. My tears run down. It’s Carson’s birthday, the second since he’s been gone. He would have been 29. The Balinese woman massaging me says nothing. Perhaps it’s professional discretion, perhaps it’s because she has … Continue reading Moving on from Grieving
I spent six weeks in Europe this last summer, but you wouldn’t know it from my blog posts. I have drafts and ideas: getting around England, hiking in Cornwall, travel on the Eurostar, amazing Copenhagen, taking Scott to Finland for the first time. When I go to write it seems— empty. It was hard to … Continue reading No More answered texts
“How long has it been?” It was intermission at the outdoor performance of “A Comedy of Errors.” I spotted Christine by the horse paddock when I was at the concession, and it was time for us to catch up. It had been at least 6 years, since I’d left the Valley. Maybe more, as the … Continue reading How Long has it Been?
I go back to bed again, so tired, trying to sleep, hoping to dream of my son, or at least make the day pass faster. Firsts are never easy. First birthdays, his and mine, first Christmas, now first Mother’s Day. They tell you that, and you think you understand, but you don’t, until you live … Continue reading Mother’s Days
It was a lovely graduation— not the official university event, but the student organized party where they received their silver forestry rings. It was a beautiful group of young people. (My son, at 27, had been considered a mature student.) They shone with the enthusiasm of having accomplished this, knowing they were moving on to … Continue reading Graduation and Moving On
It seems so innocuous, the chapstick sitting on my nightstand, between the water glass and the book I’m reading. It’s not. I found it in the pocket of his work pants, when I was laundering the clothes that someone had shoved into his suitcase, cleaning out his room after he died. Every day, when I … Continue reading Living with the Memories
“Happy holidays!” My chiropractor says, and then catches herself. “I mean, well, ah…” She trails off. I’ve known her for 20 years, and she knows me, and my family. I’m falling apart. I don’t mean emotionally, although that is true, and understandable considering circumstances. Yesterday I decorated the tree. I had cried for two days … Continue reading Merry Christmas— maybe
“It’s wonderful to see you smiling again,” Scott tells me, on the second day of our trip to Hawaii. At the top of Diamond Head Yet at night, I dream of loss. A small child is missing, and I search for them. Someone (else) I love has died. I am back in the family home, … Continue reading Songs in my Head, Part 2
Lately, a song will take up residence in my head. I’m not talking an ear-worm that lasts a few hours, but ones that stay days, even weeks, always playing in the background. They aren’t happy songs. Currently it’s Hurt, not the Nine Inch Nails original but the cover of it that Johnny Cash did in … Continue reading Songs in My Head- Part 1
I’m waiting for my new passport. I’m sad to give up my last one, but there was less than 6 months left on it. The new passport is blank. No visas to China, Japan, India, Egypt. No stamps, and not sure if there will be any. Many countries do it all electronically, post-Covid, and I’m … Continue reading There is a Season
Brave Travels 