The sound and the smell of the ocean, mere metres away, blow over me as I lie under the thatched roof. My tears run down. It’s Carson’s birthday, the second since he’s been gone. He would have been 29. The Balinese woman massaging me says nothing. Perhaps it’s professional discretion, perhaps it’s because she has … Continue reading Moving on from Grieving
“How long has it been?” It was intermission at the outdoor performance of “A Comedy of Errors.” I spotted Christine by the horse paddock when I was at the concession, and it was time for us to catch up. It had been at least 6 years, since I’d left the Valley. Maybe more, as the … Continue reading How Long has it Been?
I go back to bed again, so tired, trying to sleep, hoping to dream of my son, or at least make the day pass faster. Firsts are never easy. First birthdays, his and mine, first Christmas, now first Mother’s Day. They tell you that, and you think you understand, but you don’t, until you live … Continue reading Mother’s Days
“Are those real Gucci sandals?” I was looking down at my son’s feet. We were in Hawaii, because the first Christmas not in our family home was too hard for my children. “Who’d be crazy enough to spend that kind of money on a pair of slides?” Carson replied. It was only years later, sorting … Continue reading If I Die Young
“Happy holidays!” My chiropractor says, and then catches herself. “I mean, well, ah…” She trails off. I’ve known her for 20 years, and she knows me, and my family. I’m falling apart. I don’t mean emotionally, although that is true, and understandable considering circumstances. Yesterday I decorated the tree. I had cried for two days … Continue reading Merry Christmas— maybe
“It’s wonderful to see you smiling again,” Scott tells me, on the second day of our trip to Hawaii. At the top of Diamond Head Yet at night, I dream of loss. A small child is missing, and I search for them. Someone (else) I love has died. I am back in the family home, … Continue reading Songs in my Head, Part 2
Lately, a song will take up residence in my head. I’m not talking an ear-worm that lasts a few hours, but ones that stay days, even weeks, always playing in the background. They aren’t happy songs. Currently it’s Hurt, not the Nine Inch Nails original but the cover of it that Johnny Cash did in … Continue reading Songs in My Head- Part 1
I’m waiting for my new passport. I’m sad to give up my last one, but there was less than 6 months left on it. The new passport is blank. No visas to China, Japan, India, Egypt. No stamps, and not sure if there will be any. Many countries do it all electronically, post-Covid, and I’m … Continue reading There is a Season
Sitting in the waiting room, waiting for the skin cancer biopsy reports. Nice lounge, recliner chairs and beverages, big screen TV with Netflix. Another new experience. Hospital waiting rooms are better in some ways, though, despite being crowded and plain, because if you’re there it’s an emergency. I’ve been in them enough this year to … Continue reading Contemplation in the Cancer Clinic
I glance in the mirror, and I look old. And haggard. My last birthday, friends were still joking that I was doing a Benjamin Button, getting younger every year. 2024 has not been easy. My ruptured appendix in January, compounded by a melanoma, put paid to my surfing season and led to cancelling of travel … Continue reading Sorrow
Brave Travels 